DONTHIDE

The Fundamentals

Everybody wants to be in a loving relationship, whether they care to admit it or not. Humans have evolved over thousands of years on the basis of belonging and connection to another human being, which means if we’re stripped down to our bare bones, we’re all wired the same way.

For those of us who have difficulty in relationships, this is more often than not linked to our mental health. It’s not healthy, and probably not normal to just mess up a relationship, but we do it anyway. There is always a reason, again, whether people admit it or not – There will be something in the back of our minds which causes us to take such actions and therefore bring the relationship to an end.

Personally, I’ve struggled with this my whole life, since my very first relationship at 21 years old (I am now 39 for those who don’t know).

I know exactly what my downfall is (well, I think I do!) but it’s something which I am yet to find a solution to. For me, it’s all about sabotage and the fear of failure. At the age of 7, back in 1994, my parents got divorced – Following that, my mum was in a relationship with another man who let’s say wasn’t the best role model – I’ll spare the details his oppressive and controlling behaviour – It could have been worse, i.e. violent, but that’s not the point I am trying to make here.

This instilled a fear of failure deep inside of me, because I now feel, after having gone through 2 failed relationships at a very young age, that any relationship I enter, will simply fail. I know that’s not logical in the slightest, but that’s how my brain is wired. The good thing is now I know why, it’s now all about the how. In an earlier post – We Are Naturally Inquisitive – We touched on how children always ask ‘why’ – Well, I’ve found mine, it’s now time to dive deeper and find a solution which will hopefully allow me to find someone and be happy.

The Revolving Cycle

On the one hand, I would like to find someone to be with, in a relationship, but on the other, deep down, I am scared of it failing, so I sabotage it before anything really has time to grow and flourish… do you see my dilemma?! It’s definitely a catch-22 scenario, there really couldn’t be a better example.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been in relationships, which have lasted between 2 and 4 years, but they’ve been very difficult, mentally. After the initial 6 months or so of the honeymoon period, the dark clouds start to circle my head and cause havoc – because they are so powerful and controlling, I have literally felt like I haven’t been able to control my actions and I’ve felt compelled to do things which has then all blown up in my face. Oh, I should have called this post the relationship grenade… I’ve just changed it!

You might find, as you read this post, it seems very light-hearted in the way I write for someone who struggles with this a lot, and you’re right, it is, because that’s the way I want it to come across. I’ve accepted this is who I am, for now, and I will change, but just in time. If I can help others at the same time, by demonstrating both sides of the problem, then it would almost be killing 2 metaphorical birds with one hypothetical stone.

What’s The Damage To Our Mental Health?

Well, it’s not great.

To end a relationship, when you really don’t want to, but feel compelled to do, because of your own internal ‘wiring’, is devastatingly heartbreaking. There are just no words for it. It’s happened to me twice now and it’s broken me. Twice.

I’m beginning to understand and really resonate with the phrase ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, because this hasn’t killed me, but it has been grinding me down for years. I feel like I’m stuck to the inside of a molcajete, and there is no escape from the relentless swirling pestle!