How can i feel envious?

---

To put this post into the correct context, I am writing it with a ‘happy ‘head’ – There are no feelings of depression or low mood going through my mind – This is simply a reflection.


Yet another soldier has fallen victim and succumbed to his mental health woes.

A couple of weeks ago I heard the sad news that an ex-colleague had passed away. Social media platforms were showing posts, stories, photos and anecdotes about him, but there was no mention of what happened. Yes, it’s understandable, the family do not want things like that banded around an online platform, but it did make me wonder. What happened?

I spoke to a friend last night and she knew this person well, she then confirmed that the ‘Dementors’ had got the better of him and that he’d mad the decision to end his own life.

It’s not a feeling which is strong inside my head these days, but it used to be very prominent. The word ‘envy’ occasionally crops up when someone I know of passes away in these types of circumstances. Historically, whether it’s been a celebrity, someone I know well, or someone I have simply known for a short period of time, whoever it is, I always seem to feel envious.

If you’re reading this, but you haven’t ever struggled with mental health, it might be somewhat difficult to fathom. The envious feelings I sometimes possess aren’t about a particular individual, it’s relating to my desire to be at peace, tranquil, and simply resting, worry-free.

I don’t understand this 100%, however, I feel it’s because I am envious about the fact these people are now at peace, they must feel tranquil, at ease and simply without worry, stress or pressure. Yes, the devastation left behind can be unfathomable, especially for family and friends, but for the person in question, the one who has succumbed, they are now resting.

It’s been years, decades since I started having these types of dark feelings – The stresses, pressures, worries and all other heavy feelings in our lives are so demanding at times, the thought of them all going away at once, quite frankly, would feel blissful.

If there’s one thing life has taught me, over the last 4 decades or so, is that it’s way too easy to simply give up and quit something. I got myself into a habit (more so when I was in my 20’s than any other decade) where I would systematically quit jobs because of small and most of the time insignificant reasons – it’s too hard, too boring, pay is not enough, not exciting enough – I would almost fabricate reasons in my head and make them stick.

When we compare this to mental health, we simply cannot just ‘quit’, because that’s an action which is 100% irreversible. I’m sure I don’t need to explain further on this one.

Over the years I’ve taught myself to ‘keep going’, even when times have been so incredibly tough. Yes, ‘keep going’ is such a cliché, but seriously, what other option is there?

There’s been times of darkness which I don’t ever want to repeat, so dark that the even the Dementors got scared! When being present in those moments, something buried deep inside my mind kept me alive, I have no idea what it was, but it stopped me from doing something very sad at that particular moment in time.

Nowadays, I literally say to myself “Sam, these feelings will pass” – and in a few days – poof! – they’ve gone. However, back then, I didn’t have that available ‘tool’ in the mental health toolbox – it was obviously something else which inadvertently helped me through it.

Oh, and happy anniversary of my birth to me, today I’m in Devon; here’s to my 4th decade on planet Earth!