I Felt Like A Murderer: Story 13

“He always wanted me to sleep with him, and if I said no, he would force himself on me and slap me if I made a sound.

I eventually one morning, when he went to work, bagged up all his stuff put it outside my door and I text him saying it was over, I finally left.’

I Turned to Alcohol

I was just 18 years old and had always struggled with my weight. I met a guy who didn’t care about my size and liked me the way I was. Then one evening, that man wasn’t who I thought he was. He was high on drugs and had also been drinking alcohol. He pinned me down, sexually assaulted me, and beat me senseless.

It took years for anything to be done, but unfortunately he was let off with a warning. That stayed with me. I became fearful of walking down the street alone, I couldn’t sleep, I felt like it was somehow my fault, and I stopped eating.

I stayed single until I was 22 years old, when I met a lovely guy. We were together for a year. I found out I was pregnant, but I also found out he had been cheating on me. He then forced me to have an abortion, and afterwards he ended the relationship. I felt completely alone, ashamed, and worthless. I felt like a murderer. The guilt from the abortion led me to try to take my own life a couple of times. I wasn’t sleeping or eating, and I turned to alcohol to numb the pain. I was even going to work drunk.

“The guilt from the abortion led me to try to take my own life a couple of times.”

Then I found out that my best friend from school had died at home. She was six months pregnant with my godson. This destroyed me mentally, and I blamed myself for her death.

After that, I didn’t believe I could face any more relationships, so I stayed single until I was 25. I was still hesitant because of the previous two men in my life. One day I was sitting alone in a pub restaurant when a man walked over in his work clothes, offered to buy me a drink, and asked if he could sit with me. We started seeing each other, and four months later I found out I was pregnant with my son.

I was over the moon, but I still felt guilty about the abortion I had had and worried that I would be forced again. Thankfully I wasn’t, but he told me to leave because he didn’t want me or the baby and said he was in love with someone else. I went through the pregnancy and birth alone. My son turns 13 this week.

“…he would become angry if I went out.”

I decided I was done with love, so I put everything into raising my son the best I could, and I did that for nine years. Then I met another man, but I was very cautious, very nervous, and I didn’t trust him straight away. I didn’t introduce him to my son for three months.

About six months into the relationship, something changed. He didn’t want me seeing people without him. We spent every weekend at home, and he would find reasons to go and see his friends and be gone all day, but he would become angry if I went out.

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I was with him for 18 months, and in the first 11 months he had bashed my head against walls, stamped on my back, grabbed me by the throat, and more. He isolated me from my family and friends.

I Finally Left

He always wanted me to sleep with him, and if I said no, he would force himself on me and slap me if I made a sound. Eventually, one morning when he went to work, I packed up all his belongings, put them outside my door, and texted him to say it was over. I finally left. He has since moved on and now has a baby girl. He left me with PTSD, depression, and no trust in anyone.

I have now been single for three years and am only just starting to find myself again, and my son is happier too.

I will probably remain single because the past still haunts me, but I am getting there.

So although I have been through sexual assault, domestic violence, mental and emotional abuse, loss, and guilt, I am still here. I am doing what I need to do to feel better within myself, and right now I am preparing for my son’s 13th birthday.

Thank you for reading my story.