I Had To Teach Myself To Walk Again: Story 19

“Everyone around me seemed to be moving forward with their lives while I was lying in bed, watching the world carry on without me…

I began supporting people with their mental health in my community. I started wellbeing and support groups in Caersws and Llanidloes, alongside a one-to-one outreach service.”

Left Alone with My Own Mind

I looked fine.

In fact, to most people, I probably looked like I was having the time of my life.

I was a party animal.

I was out drinking, taking drugs, surrounded by people, creating a vibe, making people laugh and giving the impression that I absolutely loved life.

And sometimes, in those moments, I probably believed I did too.

But what people didn’t see was what happened afterwards.

The parties would end.
The music would stop.
Everyone would go home.

And I would be left alone with my own mind.

“Party. Drink. Drugs. Escape.”

I’d spend days bed-ridden, unable to face the world, spiralling into episodes of what felt like manic highs followed by devastating lows.

The energy, the partying and the constant need to be around people gave me somewhere to hide – but when it stopped, everything I’d been running from came crashing back.

The higher I tried to make myself feel, the harder I seemed to crash.

That became my cycle.

Party. Drink. Drugs. Escape.

Then the crash.

The anxiety.

The depression.

The emptiness.

Then, eventually, doing it all again.

From the outside, I was the person who was always up for a good time.

Inside, I was struggling to keep myself together.

I was battling depression and anxiety, but I didn’t know how to talk about it. So instead of asking for help, I found ways to silence it.

Alcohol and drugs became my way of coping.

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They didn’t solve anything.
They just gave me temporary relief from thoughts I didn’t know how to face.

My self-esteem slowly disappeared. I became trapped in a rut and increasingly disconnected from who I really was.

And eventually, my thoughts became so dark that suicidal thoughts became part of my life.

Nobody looking at the party animal would have known.

That is the frightening reality of mental health.

“Eventually, my body gave up before I did.”

Sometimes the person making everyone else laugh is the person struggling the most when nobody is watching.

Sometimes the person who looks like they’re loving life is desperately trying to escape their own.

Eventually, my body gave up before I did.

I developed stress-induced pneumonia in both lungs and sepsis.

I spent three weeks in intensive care, fighting for my life.

When I finally came out of hospital, I had to teach myself to walk again.

You might think surviving something like that would make everything suddenly better.

It didn’t.

During my recovery, I hit rock bottom again.

Everyone around me seemed to be moving forward with their lives while I was lying in bed, watching the world carry on without me.

I felt stuck.
Lost.
Frustrated.

And once again, I turned to alcohol and substances to try to mask the pain.

I had survived intensive care, but I was still struggling to find a way to truly live.

Then my family stepped in.

They persuaded me to try Ponthafren, a local mental health charity.

At the time, taking that first step felt enormous.

But that decision changed the direction of my life.

“They helped me take small steps.”

Ponthafren didn’t magically fix everything.

They helped me take small steps.

And when you’re at rock bottom, a small step can feel like climbing a mountain.

They gave me counselling, one-to-one practical support and someone to walk alongside me rather than expecting me to figure everything out alone.

Through their network, I was also supported by Kaleidoscope with my alcohol and substance misuse, and Cyfle Cymru as I faced having to change my career.

Slowly, those tiny steps started becoming bigger ones.

And eventually, something happened that I never could have imagined when I was lying in that hospital bed.

“Instead of hiding my experiences, I started using them to help other people.”

I found a reason to use what I’d been through.

Instead of hiding my experiences, I started using them to help other people.

I began supporting people with their mental health in my community. I started wellbeing and support groups in Caersws and Llanidloes, alongside a one-to-one outreach service.

We introduced weekly walk and talks, mental wellbeing and performance workshops, and other community-driven initiatives designed to bring people together and remind people that they don’t have to face everything alone.

I became an ambassador for Ponthafren and built wellbeing connections through local football clubs, trying to find ways to help build a stronger community and give back as I felt I had answers. 

A new career came as I began working with young people in care, empowering me to get more training and help more people, eventually taking on a second job within Ponthafren, the very organisation that built me back up.

The struggles still come sometimes, but they are now okay. I have toolkits to deal with the low mood, I keep busy but allow time for myself.

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If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t, I have learned the lessons that needed learning, I now strive to be a better man every day, learn and grow as much as I can for the family that kept me going when I lost all hope, and to help others realise that moments happen, mindsets alter them.