“I look at people differently. I question their intentions. When someone is kind to me, a part of me wonders what they really want. When someone raises their voice, even slightly, my mind goes somewhere else.”
I Had to Leave
I’m 22. I left my dad because of domestic violence, and I’ve since been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and other mental health difficulties.
I never thought I would become someone who was afraid of the person they loved.
For so long, I convinced myself that things would get better. I held onto the good moments and pushed the bad ones somewhere deep inside me, telling myself they didn’t matter as much as the love did.
But eventually, I had to leave.
Walking away from domestic violence wasn’t just leaving a person. It felt like leaving an entire life behind.
The home I knew didn’t feel like home anymore. The memories I once held onto felt different. Even the person I thought I knew became someone I struggled to recognise.
And now, everything has changed.
I look at people differently. I question their intentions. When someone is kind to me, a part of me wonders what they really want. When someone raises their voice, even slightly, my mind goes somewhere else. When someone says they love me, I struggle to understand whether love is supposed to feel safe, or whether I’m just waiting for the moment it changes.
“Some days I feel strong. I think, I did it. I got out.”
I hate that what happened has made trusting people so difficult.
Sometimes I don’t even trust myself.
I question my memories. I question my decisions. I wonder why I stayed, why I didn’t leave sooner, and why I still feel affected when I’m no longer there.
My mind feels like it is constantly trying to make sense of something that never made sense in the first place.
Some days I feel strong. I think, I did it. I got out.
Other days, I feel like the same person who was trapped, only now I’m trapped inside my own thoughts.
People might see me moving forward, but they don’t see the parts of me that are still trying to catch up.
“Maybe one day I’ll look back and realise that leaving wasn’t the end of my life.”
I’m learning that leaving doesn’t mean everything immediately becomes okay.
Sometimes leaving is only the beginning.
I have to learn how to feel safe again. How to trust people again. How to trust myself again. How to understand that someone’s love shouldn’t make me afraid.
My whole life feels different now.
But maybe different doesn’t always mean ruined.
Maybe one day I’ll look back and realise that leaving wasn’t the end of my life.
It was the moment I finally gave myself a chance to have one.