“I’ve learnt to accept how I am – It’s taken a while, but from the lowest of the lows, and the rock-bottom part of my life, I’ve finally managed to understand and ‘control’ my brain to suit me, as opposed to satisfying the insatiable appetite of my dark clouds.”
That ‘Special’ Connection
My personal mental health has ruined some of the greatest relationships I could ever have asked for. Being in love with someone is the most amazing feeling in the world, it makes you feel like you’re constantly being metaphorically (obviously!) swept off your feet.
There’s something about having that special connection with someone which just makes me smile, ooze with happiness and be the happiest version of myself that’s possible.
I’m sure many of you readers feel the same way.
My most recent relationship was when I lived in this lovely area of the world; Dorset
Without this magical ‘person’, I feel a little lost. I know I shouldn’t, because I should be able to be happy on my own, but that’s not the way my mind works – it craves the attention and physical touch from someone who reciprocates this type of love.
I’m young at heart; so it’s the silliness which I miss the most. Being able to be completely and utterly myself, 100%, is like being in a human ‘flow state’ – it’s effortless and completely joyful to be in. Everything just happens and life becomes peachy.
“… being in a human flow state…”
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all skipping aimlessly through fields of sunflowers and holding hands, naturally, there are ups and downs, but the majority of the relationship is bliss, especially with ‘the one’.
The Honeymoon
It’s the initial ‘honeymoon’ period which is the best for me; I guess that’s the same for most of us. It’s one of the greatest things any human being can ever experience.
Ever since humans first walked this earth – some 300,000 years ago – we have longed for another person to share life with. From the very beginning, we have searched for connection, companionship, love, and belonging.
Things look and feel very different when I’m in a relationship
Evolution has wired us to seek one another, because we were never meant to carry life entirely alone. Beneath all our achievements, struggles, and differences is a simple human truth: we all want to be seen, understood, and loved for who we really are.
However, once the ‘honeymoon period’ wears off, my mind starts to create ways to ruin each relationship; bit by bit it creates ways to sabotage every single part of such a happy time in my life.
Time to Contemplate
Imagine consciously NOT wanting to do something, but being forced to do it anyway – it doesn’t sound great, does it?
This is what happens to me.
It’s like being a prisoner in my own head.
“Sam, you’ve been happy for six months now – that’s enough.”
The thoughts, feelings, chemicals, synapses and nerves – whatever it is that gives rise to these compulsive thoughts, which can lead to irreversible actions – seem to be working against me. It feels as though they all leap into a witch’s cauldron at the same time, stirred together into a powerful, overwhelming potion.
“Sam, you’ve been happy for six months now – that’s enough.” The raspy cackle of the cackling woman echoes through my dark mind as she tends to her evil concoction.
And without you even realising, a not-so-magical wand is waved about in the air – and poof – the spell is cast into my mind.
Relationship over.
The Emotional Struggle
It’s relentless. It just doesn’t stop. I guess this is why I’m afraid of meeting someone and getting into another beautiful relationship – the fear is just too great.
It’s easier to be single and try and be happy, rather than being in a beautiful relationship and watch it implode.
I’ve been compromised twice, by something which lives inside my own mind, and it broke me, twice.
My brain starts to panic, my metaphorical ‘mind-mountain’ starts to crumble and rocks come hurtling to the ground
I don’t want this a third time – it’s far too emotional.
If, and that’s a gigantic, this happened again, I would be worried about my own mental state, for the first time in many years, because this is the thing I struggle with the most.
The parasite in my brain is taking control of the best things a human can experience; and simply just ruining them.
Being Aware
I’ve been aware of this for many years, however, it’s not something one can easily eradicate from the mind.
They say (whoever they are) that the first step to healing is acceptance, well, some people might say that – but regardless who said or says it, it’s stuck with me for a long time now.
Even the things that carry sadness within can still appear beautiful from the outside
That phrase, combined with how it makes me feel, help me tremendously.
I’ve learnt to accept this is the way I am, this is how I act, and this is what I am like – yes, I can change, but for the time being, these types of thoughts, feelings and actions are staying put. If I dwell too much, it’s just not healthy, and things can manifest rapidly, especially when I think deeply about what my mental health has forced me to do over the years.
Comparable Floating Watercrafts
If you’re in a similar boat to me (did you see what I did with the title?!) and you’re reading this – regardless of your state of mind, you need to read this next quote:
“One relationship does NOT define you, it’s not bigger than you.”
I say, or type, rather, that line with a heavy heart.
During some of my darkest days, after a relentless amount of days of compelling thoughts and irreversible actions, one after another, I felt as though I didn’t want be alive any more – I was destroying relationships and I couldn’t stop myself.
I used to think if I can’t make relationships work for me, what’s the point.
Why are you throwing your only life away for one person?
It. Is. NOT. Worth. It.
That’s a fact.
From somebody who’s been in that position multiple times, it just isn’t worth it. Yes, there’s heartbreak, there are tears, emotions are out of control, there’ fighting, there’s shouting, and everything else you can think of when you imagine a really bad break-up, but do you know what, in time…
Things start to get better.
Feelings start to change.
Pain starts to dissipate.
Emotions start to go away.
Life starts to get back on track.
This Is Real-Life
I recently heard a story on the news about a young lad of only 17, who took his own life because of a recent break-up with his girlfriend. The news presenter described the lad as having an ‘overload of emotions’ or something to that effect.
Saunton Beach, North Devon
This was very sad to hear, because he felt like there was no way out, and because of the sheer force these emotions had on his mind, he felt he couldn’t cope, and subsequently did something so very sadly irreversible.
I can relate to this. 100%.
I’ve been through relationship ‘problems’ in the past and at times felt there is no point, if I can’t make this work with this person then what’s the point in living. But after a certain while, and as you get older, wiser and hopefully more comfortable in your own skin – you realise that these compelling, compulsive and irrational actions are NOT the best way to deal with things.
It might be that you still think about them, a lot, but you will feel less like doing them, and refrain from acting on these thoughts and feelings.
Once Chance
This is such a cliché, especially when you start to watch all these social media videos and hear ‘You could be dead tomorrow, live life for today’. I mean, they are right, but when your algorithm hooks onto this sort of thing, and you see it tens of times per week, it get’s a bit old.
However, we cannot hide away from this truth.
It’s certainly not easy to live for today, live for the moment and live in the moment – because with mental health, it ensures you are never at peace, never tranquil in life and it doesn’t give you a bloody rest – there is always something happening in your head!
My Conclusion
If you’ve made it this far in my post, well done – you’ve stuck around long enough to see what relationships are like from my perspective.
Now that I’m older I am more cautious, especially when I look to the future with the hope of meeting somebody new. However, the cautiousness comes with caveats. Those caveats are like a hidden protection mechanism provided by the deepest, darkest, depths of my brain.
“Sam, you can only be in a relationship if you don’t have silly thoughts about sabotaging it.”
Oh I wish it was that simple, brain!
Time will heal me
Look, things do change, and if they don’t when you expect them to, they will, in time, when you least expect them to. These emotional thoughts and feelings we endure are all controlled from our brains. Yes, they are powerful little things, but they can be changed, adapted and modified to suit a better style of living – this goes for everybody.
We just need to work at it, sometimes very hard, but it can be done, trust me.