“The past 3 years have been some of the hardest, darkest and most transformative of my entire life.
The amount of times throughout my mental health journey that I had reached what I thought was rock bottom was vast, and yet 3 years ago I found a whole new low.”
The Early Years
My mental health story started when I was in primary school.
I was bullied badly and had some family issues going on at home. This caused me to start acting out in school, I used to become aggressive, kicking teachers and hiding under tables.
I wish my school had actually looked beyond those outward behaviours and seen it for what it was; a child in distress.
Instead they treated me as a ‘problem child’ who had bad behaviours that needed to be addressed by things such as a ‘counter box’ that rewarded my good behaviour and punished my bad behaviours.
I even saw a child psychiatrist who still didn’t recognise my struggles.
Depression & Anxiety
It wasn’t until I got to high school that I started seeing a counsellor and GP, then the diagnoses of depression and anxiety were given to me.
It felt good to have my struggles validated, although it was only the beginning of my journey.
“I started self-harming as a way to cope.”
When I was 15, and it became an incredibly difficult addiction/habit to break.
It ended up taking me about 8 years before I was able to stop for another 8 years. Sadly I returned to it at that point and its taken me another 2 years to stop again.
Fresh hair cut and colour.
BPD
I ended up waiting until I was in my early twenties before I got the diagnosis that really hit home with me; BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder, also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.
This was a scary label to be given and yet it explained so much about what I had been experiencing.
Suicidal Thoughts
After the self-harming started what followed was even more dangerous; the suicidal thoughts.
Things in my life were very difficult and I experienced trauma after trauma which left me feeling utterly hopeless.
Unfortunately I started on a dangerous slope of suicide attempts, so many that I don’t have a number.
I am more grateful than there are words to still be alive and able to have improved things as much as I have.
The Darkest Three Years Of My Life
The past 3 years have been some of the hardest, darkest and most transformative of my entire life.
The amount of times throughout my mental health journey that I had reached what I thought was rock bottom was vast, and yet 3 years ago I found a whole new low.
I started to experience what a consultant psychologist described as ‘the worst form of disassociation’.
“I became this angry, broken teenager…”
For me that meant I was flipping into almost a different personality every time I disassociated. I became this angry, broken teenager who was absolutely hell bent on self-destruction in any way you could possibly think of. I was also given another diagnosis of CPTSD which I found fitting and useful to have.
Another one of my selfies!
Dissociation
These episodes of disassociation were horrific for both myself and anyone around me at the time, especially anyone who was trying to help.
I was engaging in self-destructive behaviours that I would never do when I was not disassociating, such as head-banging, which led to at least 3 concussions.
The longest episode I had of disassociation was around 8 hours with non-stop self-destructive behaviours, so to say it was hard going on everyone involved is an understatement.
“… my story is not easy for me to share…”
This particular part of my story is not easy for me to share and yet I feel it is important to do so as there doesn’t seem to be much out there about this type of disassociation.
Things Began To Change
Thankfully those episodes are now a thing of the past and it has been nearly 2 years since I last disassociated like that.
In the past 3 years I went from being unable to be on my own for more than 5 minutes at a time, to living on my own 4 nights a week.
I did 12 months of DBT, which involved an hour and a half of online group work and an hour of individual therapy each week.
I found the right people to have around me, who helped me un-learn a lot of the negative things I had picked up over the years and replaced them with positives.
I’m now able to cry as a way of releasing intense emotions which was something I always found immensely difficult.
EMDR
I’m also now in the next stage of my therapy journey, I’m nearly 3 months into EMDR to work on all my traumas and so far it has been a wild ride.
Every single week has been different and you never know where your mind will take you every time you look at that light bar, which is quite something to get used to considering I’m someone who likes to plan and be in control!
Most importantly though, it is working, I can already see the improvements on the traumas that I have worked on, and for the first time since I was a teenager I can dare to imagine a future with minimal, if not zero triggers and not constantly carrying the huge weight of my past around with me every day.
From Rock Bottom
I really hope my story is able to help someone out there – whether that’s to help them feel less alone, to have hope or to feel validated.
It is possible to go from absolute rock bottom to being able to live the life you want. I’m currently doing tai chi, tap dance and singing with a choir each week. I also go to the gym twice a week and run my own small craft business.
None of this was possible 3 years ago, if I can do it then so can you. Have hope, keep trying and when it feels impossible take it one minute at a time.
If You’re Reading This…
To someone else going through this I would tell them to take it literally minute by minute if you have to. Do whatever it takes to get you through the hard moments because it is so worth it when you get to the other side. You can reach your dreams and your goals, and you can live with mental illness whilst also having a life you are happy with.
My Hobbies
I’m from Welshpool, and if my Etsy shop link could be included for my small craft business that would be great. https://gscardsandcraftsshop.etsy.com
I had forgotten but I actually have a WordPress blog myself, haven’t used it in years but I can include the link if you’d like to add it? Sharptalksite.wordpress.com
The bookfold picture is one I did for an order that I received whilst I was in hospital recovering from back surgery.