The Night I Nearly Gave Up: Story 26

At My Lowest

Two years ago this October (2026), I was at my lowest.

Trapped in a vortex with my emotions and feelings and blocked from the outside world, I wanted to take my own life, an overdose to be exact.

I have 3 grown children and the intensity of these feelings and emotions blocked me from them also. I was so alone and isolated and the only way in which I could free myself was to take an overdose.

That Night

I had been out that night with my then partner celebrating his birthday with some of his friends, male and female.

As the night wore on, I saw the way he was looking at one of his female friends who was considerably younger than him. It went on to flirting and I caught sight of them hugging.

For me it was very distressing and I know now that the alcohol fuelled my feelings and emotions.

There is always someone there ready to listen and watch over you

I felt like my heart had been taken out of my chest and a hole was left in its place.

I managed to keep the tears inside until I reached my front door, my body shook and I lost control of myself, went weak, uncontrollable wailing and crying.

I cried for a few hours. I had become weak and trapped inside this vortex unable to find my way out.

I intended to take my blood pressure tablets and end it all here and now.

I was totally consumed by emotion. I can’t take it any more, I can’t do this anymore.

For Some Reason

For some reason, I could not lift myself out of the bed to walk to the kitchen to take the tablets.

My body was so heavy as if someone was holding me down and preventing me from leaving this world for good.

Thinking about it now, it was the craziest feeling.

I surrendered and lay there, as I surrendered, the thoughts of my children came into my mind.

More tears flowed, I would have abandoned them, left them without a mother.

A journey ahead of you; with each step comes progress and healing, one step at a time with kindness to oneself

I Knew I Needed Help

I remember the next day I did not even open the curtains, I locked everything out, did not eat much and the overwhelming sense of guilt which came over me was nearly paralysing.

 

“I knew I needed help.”

 

The next day I texted my friend, it was a message that did not make sense at all and she responded quickly, she sensed something was wrong and that is when I told her I needed her to come over right away and she did.

I remember crying in her arms and wailing once more.

It felt good to be held in that moment, I felt safe.

Gratitude of another day lived, which paves a way for tomorrow

A Pattern

Since then I have had counselling sessions which revealed that throughout my life I had been dealing with abandonment issues from when my father just left in the middle of the night when I was 7 years old.

From that moment it was like a light bulb came on and I could see a pattern.

A pattern which was now illuminated through several relationships where the feeling of abandonment had been illuminated.

 

“The thing is, I was going to abandon my children.”

 

 

The Right Support

I am fortunate that my place of work and friends were very supportive and I received emergency counselling sessions through work which I will always be grateful for.

It took me a while to begin to smile and laugh once more, and yet I did, I began to see the world outside with a renewed sense of gratitude.

I was encouraged to get outdoors in nature and this is one thing that helped me so much.

Not only breathing in the air, but seeing the beauty which surrounded me.

The waterfall expresses emotions and movement of said emotions, this soon shall pass and healing will take place

Each Day Is Now a Gift

It has been a journey and I am in a much better place now.

I am so grateful to be here, alive and being able to hug my children who are all in their 20’s.

Each day is now a gift and I intend to make a difference.