I Had Decided To Leave This World
My story starts in June 2020 – I was in a job where I was treated poorly by management.
I decided at the end of May I was going to leave this world by the 4th June, so by the 1st June I was ready.
The 2nd of June came around and it was a hot summers day and my grandads birthday. My mum had come round and we ordered Chinese and everything was perfect plus my partner had come round and joined in on the Chinese takeaway. Everything was going perfect.
Then, on the 3rd of June, I recorded a video saying goodbye. At the end of the video, I attempted to take my own life.
My partners friends saw my video on their news feed and had blown up his phone with calls, messages and FaceTime calls – they had told him to go and see if she’s (me) ok.
I had friends and family at my door begging me to open the door and let them in. One of my friends had called the police and ambulance service and told them what had happened.
My partner had turned up at my house to where there was 2 police cars and an ambulance at my house. My friend and her mum convinced me to go to A&E which I eventually gave in too, and went with the ambulance service.
As soon as I got there I absconded and went to the shop to get dinner as I felt fine and there was no reason in my mind that I needed to be there.
Whilst shopping the police call me and ask where I am and can they come and see me. I then agreed that the police could come to my house and see me.
They asked me am I ok, and do I plan on doing this again. I responded with I am fine and yes I’m doing this tomorrow, and they said ok and bye.
I Shouldn’t Be Here
The 4th of June came around, and I was sitting in my garden listening to music when I made another attempt to take my own life.
I had a massive adrenaline rush like I’ve never had before, to the point where I was dancing on tables.
All of a sudden it hits me hard and I become extremely ill. I end up in a coat and I was violently being sick whilst in and out of consciousness.
My partner then finishes work and comes round to find me being sick, and he tells me to pack a bag you’re going back to hospital. I beg him to not take me.
I go upstairs pack a bag and whilst sitting on my bed I start eating paprika Pringles and tell him I’m fine. He gets me to his car, next thing I know I’m in the car park of the hospital. I get out and tell him once more I’m fine.
I stumbled into the Emergency department and whilst booking myself in, I’m sick. I get rushed into triage, whilst having my observations done the student nurse turns round and says, have you seen her heart rate. My reaction was to look, which sent me into a panic attack.
The doctor comes round and says we are going to do bloods and start immediate treatment on NAC. The doctor tries to ask me questions and I can’t responded, as at this point I’ve now lost the ability to talk.
My partner told me that whilst I was being set up for NAC the Dr told him that there’s a high chance that this isn’t going to work and be prepared for the worst case scenario.
I can’t say how long I was in, but at a guess I would say 2 days on NAC.
I then get the all clear. The consultant comes round as at this point I’m on a ward, and he says to me how are you still here? Do you not realise that you have had a lucky escape and I shouldn’t be talking to you as you should be in our morgue.
I Will Leave The Light On
Since then I have been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Bipolar II.
I have good and bad days. On my good days I can’t thank the NHS for what they did for me and I am so grateful.
My diagnoses did help me understand myself better, mainly the autism and ADHD part as it explained why I think differently and do things differently compared to others. I’m into my arts and crafts and I get hyper fixated on it.
Moving closer to my partner and having my dogs has really helped me. They make me feel happier and less alone.
If someone was reading this I would tell them that your life is worth so much more than what I did. I would tell them that you’re not alone and I will leave the light on.
If you can find one positive in your day just one, even if that’s waking up, that’s one positive to keep going. You are enough.
This is my story.
