A Relationship Does Not Define You: Story 51

I Was A Different Person

I broke up with my girlfriend about a year ago. It was a horrible time, but I’ve come through it, like every other hard time in my life. I rode the waves, accepted the rollercoaster dips and held my head high. Now I’m here, blogging to the world about it.

“Don’t Hide has not only become my passion, but it’s become my purpose on this Earth we all reside on.”

Although this might be quite painful and sad for people to read, especially for those who know me personally, relationships are the one thing I have struggled with in life, right the way back to my first ‘proper’ girlfriend, dating back to when I was 21, in 2008.

I don’t know exactly how, but one thing I’ve learnt over the last three or four years is that you have to accept who you are as a person.

Whether you’re loud or quiet, short or tall, black or white, rubbish or great at sport, a good or bad writer – whatever it is, that’s you. Accept it and own it!

Yes, we can get better at things. We can learn, grow and improve. But a lot of the time, the things we spend so much energy trying to change are simply part of who we are – and that’s okay.

Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema (Unsplash)

I’ve learnt to accept that relationships are something I’m not great at. That doesn’t mean I won’t improve or get better at them, but right now, it’s a part of my life that needs a lot of work.

From the outside, it might have looked like I was having the time of my life – and believe me, there have been some amazing memories – but more often than not, I’ve struggled.

Finding that special someone has always been something I’ve longed for, but every time I’ve found it, I’ve somehow managed to ruin it. Somewhere deep inside my brain is this compelling thought, followed by the actions, that leads me to sabotage the love I’ve found.

The Post-Break-Up Shockwaves

Naturally, when a relationship of any kind breaks down, more often than not, it causes sadness. This isn’t about comparing my grief or pain to anybody else’s; it’s simply my own personal account of how I’ve ‘handled’ things.

I was driving to Devon and saw this on a bridge – I had to take a photo!

Hopefully, when people see that I’ve come out the other side after experiencing my own ‘dark clouds’ as a direct result of a relationship breakdown, they too might see that there is life after losing someone they love.

It’s incredibly difficult not to let it all consume you – not to let the pain become bigger than you. But, eventually, those dark clouds can begin to clear.

The following paragraph is something which I wrote shortly after my relationship ended.

“I have a lump in my throat, almost a choking sensation as the cold tears stream down my face to dampen my quilt cover. I cling onto it for comfort; it’s somewhat nostalgic; it’s a definite sombre moment.

I relive the childhood sadness in my head of the trauma I went through at such an early age, no specific moment, but it’s something so powerful that it’s making me endure these ‘worse than hell’ moments.”

The blog entries carried on for about a week. I’m not going to post all of them publicly, because there’s no need to create a more sombre mood than necessary.

This is about looking back with hindsight and seeing just how much I’ve improved over the last 12 months or so. More importantly, I hope it shows anyone going through something similar that a relationship does not define who you are. It’s a part of your life, something you experience and go through, but it isn’t who you are.

A relationship is not bigger than you.

Hindsight

Hindsight is a great thing because it allows us to look back and understand what we were like in certain situations. Of course, we can’t change what happened, but for people like me, who really struggle with relationships, it’s a valuable opportunity to reflect, understand what went wrong, what I did wrong and, above all else, understand why. Why did I do X, Y and Z?

It certainly makes us learn – well, it certainly makes me learn!

Photo credit: Nong (Unsplash)

If I think about the five or six serious relationships I’ve had since I was 21, I think they’ve progressively got better. Each time I’ve ‘failed’, I’ve picked myself back up again and gone back to the metaphorical drawing board in my mind to assess what went wrong and what I could learn from it.

Looking back, I can see how I sabotaged them. To be clear, the details of what actually happened aren’t important here. I still feel embarrassed about what happened, but that doesn’t change the fact that, ultimately, I was responsible for my own downfall.

Turning A Corner

You can watch as many social media ‘Reels’ as you want about failing at things in life and how failure is supposedly ‘the best thing that can happen to you’ because it helps you grow.

Until you actually fail at something – something that matters so much to you that losing it leaves you questioning whether you even want to carry on – I don’t think you can truly understand what those words mean.

Growth doesn’t always feel like growth when you’re living through it. Sometimes it feels like humiliation, regret, grief and complete hopelessness.

It’s only when you begin to come through the other side that you can look back and understand what the experience taught you, what needed to change, and how something that once felt like the end of your life eventually became part of rebuilding it.

I’m not writing this because I’ve suddenly mastered relationships or because I’ve got everything figured out. I haven’t. I’m writing it because I’m not the person who wrote those words a year ago. I’m still learning, I’m still understanding myself and I’m still working on the parts of me that need work.

Photo credit: Dương Hữu (Unsplash)

A relationship ending can feel like your whole world has disappeared with it. I know that feeling. But I’m still here. My life carried on, I found purpose in something I never expected, and I’ve learnt more about myself in the process.

A relationship can be an important part of your life, but it does not define your life.