The Battle In My Own Head
In 1996, I was admitted to an acute mental health ward as I attempted to take my own life. I had 2 kids that I loved dearly and felt I was trapped in a marriage that I did not want to be in. My dad left my mum when I was around 16 years of age and it devastated the family.
I was there because I did not want to leave my kids. The more pressure I put on myself the more depressed I became.
All I could think about at that time was that everyone would be better off without me. I had trained in martial arts since I was 7, and at 26 years old, I was just getting ready to take my 1st dan black belt in Taedwondo.
I was fighting and sparring as much as I could in training, trying to be a man but the struggle wasn’t in how many push-ups or burpees I could do in a session, it was the battle that was going on in my own head.
Those voices that told me that I would be better off dead, that I was useless and didn’t deserve to be happy. I’d made and was still making so many mistakes, why me, how can one person make so many screw ups.
Back On The Same Ward
In Sept 2006, I had just started a placement in ST Thomas Cantilupe Ward, it was what I had been waiting for. I had just started my 2nd year as a mental health student nurse and working on the ward that I was once a patient on was like full circle, just 10 years ago I was a mess here. I thought…
“Yes, I’ve really turned my life around.”
Learning To Look After Myself
The date is currently 21st September 2026, 20 years since I worked on the same ward that I had been a patient on. Since 2006 I have had quite a few relapses in my mental health. Just when I think I have control over it, it comes back and bites me on the bum.
Teaching at one of my Tai Chi classes
I look at it like an alcoholic, taking one day at a time but something that life has taught me, and that is to check in on myself regularly. To make sure I am taking enough breaks in my work, to learn to handle difficult life stressors. Life will always give you hard times, it’s learning to cope when it happens.
I’ve got to admit that every time I hit rock bottom, I do come back stronger but even then I have to be aware that I do not bounce back too quickly.
Looking back over my life so far, I can see that I have always suffered from poor mental health, even when I was a child.
Whether that was because of the beliefs I had picked up from life experiences or if I do have a chemical imbalance in my brain, the reasons do not matter.
All I do know is that I’ve got to look after myself, mentally and physically, that comes down to what I eat, drink and do.
Finding My Anchors
Martial arts has always been my anchor, the same as writing and meditation, it takes me away from that inner dialogue that can be so cruel. We need to find something that replaces that void and hopelessness feeling.
Some people turn to drugs and alcohol, I know I have on many occasions, but at the end of the day, that just makes you worse and sends you into a merry-go-round.
I love the Snoopy quote where Charlie Brown says, “You only live once.” Snoopy thinks for a moment and replies, “Wrong. You die once, but you get to live every day.”
The older we get, the more this gets real. Spend your days wisely and make time for the things that give you joy.