Anxiety Has Always Been Part of My Life
I have always been an anxious person. Even as a little girl I can remember feeling anxious and worried a lot of the time. I found it hard to sleep anywhere that wasn’t my own bed and I struggled when my parents weren’t around.
Even then I would absorb the emotions of those around me. It is only in recent years I learned the term ‘empath’. I was like a sponge, absorbing others emotions.
“It is a blessing and a curse!”
In my teens I developed ME. It wasn’t understood at the time. The media called it ‘yuppy flu’ and the doctors didn’t have a clue what to do with me. I was labelled as a ‘sciver’ by my peers when I didn’t attend school for long periods of time. The physical and psychological aspects of my illness were hard to deal with.
Nesscliffe Hill
I recovered enough from my ME to go to university and train to be a teacher, but I found it really hard being away from home. It was then that I was first put on tricyclic antidepressants – but they didn’t really help.
“I was ok!”
Fast forward a few years I was married, working as a teacher and bringing up two children. I was on regular antidepressants by this point as I was always so stressed. I used to worry about anything and everything and still had issues sleeping but I functioned and was largely happy.
After 15 years of marriage I initiated a divorce. It was a very difficult time, but I was strong and coped. I had two girls to think about and I got through it. I was ok!
When Anxiety Became Something Different
It was on my 50th birthday that the anxiety that had always been part of me started to change. I had my first taste of ‘real fear’. It wasn’t like the anxiety I had experienced before, it affected my whole body and I was unable to function.
We were away at a hotel for my birthday and a few things went wrong and I didn’t sleep. I experienced my first panic attack. When the weekend was over I went back to every day life and was ok again – it was if it hadn’t happened!
The next summer the same feelings came knocking again. My current husband and I were away on holiday and I suffered a major panic attack on the first night away. I didn’t sleep and was getting in a state about the trips we had booked for the week.
“…my whole body and I was unable to function.”
At the time I was becoming increasingly unhappy at work and I really wanted to get out of Birmingham. All the feelings I had held in check for months came to the surface that holiday. It should have been a time of fun and relaxation, but I was hypervgiliant, tense and struggled to function.
My husband and I discussed my feelings and we made a decision. We had always planned to move to the country when we retired, but that holiday we decided to put the plan into action early. The children were all living independent lives and it was time for us!
On our return from holiday we put the house on the market and later I handed in my notice. Despite this being what I wanted, I struggled to cope with the stress of buying and selling and my anxiety got worse and worse. I felt scared, vulnerable and I was hardly sleeping.
Poppies
We pressed on with the plan and I thought that I would be fine as soon as I’d moved! Then amongst all this upheaval my step son attempted to take his life. He then moved in with us. He was in a state and needed support.
I ended up getting dragged down with him. The panic attacks got worse and I wasn’t sleeping or eating. I went to my GP surgery in Birmingham on a number of occasions, but they were useless. I saw a different doctor every time, I was never referrred and no one took me seriously.
“I saw a different doctor every time.”
I think if I’d have had better help sooner I wouldn’t have got so bad. However, that is in the past.
Eventually we managed to get my stepson sorted out, got him installed in a new flat, got him medical help and he bounced back quickly. I however, was still a mess and getting worse.
Hitting Rock Bottom
Somehow I managed to pack up the house ready for moving, but looking back now I don’t know how I did it! We moved about the end of May 2025.
Naively I thought once we were in I would return to normal, but the first night in our new house was when I hit rock bottom. If my husband hadn’t been there with me I would have ended it all that night. I just wanted the feelings to stop.
The next morning, after we had been awake all night, my husband called 111 and we were put through to a duty doctor. It was a Saturday and we were in a new house in a new area and didn’t even know where the local pharmacy was.
The duty doctor prescribed diazepam, which calmed me a little for a short time but made little difference.
On the Monday I went to our new local doctor’s surgery where I struck lucky with the most amazing GP.
He got it! He prescribed sleeping tablets and stronger diazepam and I was referred to the mental health team. A week or so later I had 2 nurses from the mental health team visit me at home. A plan was put in place and I was referred to a psychiatrist.
Understanding What Was Happening to Me
It took a while, a lot of trial and error on different drugs and hard work on my part, but I slowly started to have brighter moments in a day and I started to speak without stuttering again. I did a lot of research into anxiety and began to understand what it was and why it happened. I meditated, started yoga and spent hours out on the hills with my dog.
By chance I also stumbled across an article saying that perimenopause can be a time when women my age develop mental health conditions due to the decline in oestrogen. It started to make sense why my anxiety started to change on my 50th birthday!
It made me angry that no medical professional I had ever spoken to had made this connection. I took matters into my own hands and insisted I was prescribed HRT – which along with the psychiatric medication, has helped.
My psychiatrist, although excellent, had very limited training in understanding the links between perimenopause, menopause and mental health. This needs to change!
Anxious Feelings Don’t Define Me
A year and a half down the line, and whilst I still suffer with anxiety and insomnia sometimes…
“I have got my life back!”
I now view anxiety as a temporary state that passes through me and whilst I might not like it being there, I know I can ride the wave.
I have always labelled myself as an anxious person but I am working hard to rid myself of that title. I am simply a person who has anxious feelings sometimes and they do not define me.
Walking my dog
I have been lucky as I have had such support from my amazing husband and my family. It would have been so much harder to face this alone.
However, sheer determination to get better was the cornerstone of my recovery. I’ve finally got my new life in the country which I’m loving and have landed a job I enjoy with fantastic people.
I am actually grateful for what I have been through as I have learned so much about myself. I am now calmer, more positive and live more in the moment. The future is bright!
Need Support?
This story contains references to suicide and/or suicidal thoughts. If anything you’ve read has affected you, or you’re struggling yourself, please reach out. You don’t have to face it alone.
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.
Samaritans: Call 116 123 free, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
Shout: Text SHOUT to 85258 for free, confidential, 24/7 crisis support by text.
NHS 111: Call 111 and select the mental health option if you need urgent mental health support but it’s not an emergency.
Don’t Hide shares real experiences to help people feel less alone, but we are not a crisis or emergency support service.
