Falling Through the Cracks
“Just keep fighting.”
“Don’t give up.”
“You’re too young to feel this way.”
“There are people worse off.”
“A bad day doesn’t mean a bad life.”
These are just a few of the sayings I’ve repeatedly been told throughout my life. From children’s mental health services to adult services, the experience has been diabolical.
“I’ve slipped through the cracks.” That’s what I was told when I broke down and begged for help. The exact words were: “We see this more and more when young people transfer to adult services. So many of you appear to fall through the cracks.”
My immediate question is:
“When will this change? And the next is, why me?
We live in a world where mental health isn’t taken seriously enough. If you’re a woman like myself you’re just “hormonal” or “having a moan”, we’re expected to pick up and keep on. It’s our role. If you’re a man then “man up” yeah okay, let’s insult every man who has the bravery to speak up.
It boils my blood.
A Lifetime of Trauma and Loss
I’ve lost friends to suicide, family, and people I’d consider to be my family. I am still to this moment battling to keep myself alive. I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. I’m so done. I wish there was an on and off button for a short while.
I’ve been struggling with self harm and suicide for 17 years of my life – bare in mind I’m a young adult (early 20s), so it’s all I know.
Having an abusive and absent father, experiencing sexual assault as a child, then again in my teenage years and once more as an adult, and suddenly losing the only people I was living for. On top of all that, I had no positive experiences throughout my school life. I was bullied from day one.
Existing, Not Living: The Anger and Pain of Loss
I don’t view life as life. I don’t live, I exist, I exist in a world that hurts me so badly, I exist in a world where people like me are looked down upon, I live in a world where I’m not even able to talk to my loved ones, because they aren’t here to love me.
So what do I do? Do I keep going for everyone else and be angry that I can’t die when I crave that so deeply, or do I do the “selfish” option and give myself peace and freedom. I don’t recognise the person I am anymore. And the local community pages are showing the increase in suicide recently and it breaks my heart.
“I’m not even able to talk to my loved ones, because they aren’t here to love me.”
I hope in time it changes, for all of us, me included. Because I should not be planning to end my life so young, I’m angry – my innocence was stolen, I’m angry I feel so neglected of love and affection, I’m so fu*king angry that my loved ones aren’t here anymore. And I’m even more angry at myself for spiralling so fast without noticing.
The Importance of Kindness and Speaking Up
Why have I said all this? Because I want someone who perhaps is younger to read it and understand that being kind is so important.
“Not only to other people, but to yourself!”
Life is short, humans are fragile and it’s genuinely nothing to be ashamed of, please speak up. There is absolutely no shame in it whatsoever! It’s the bravest thing a person can do. Be kind, be courageous and be yourself no matter what shape or form you shall come in.
This world has you in it for a very important reason – don’t let anyone be the reason you stop and hesitate it’s not worth it, I promise, I wish someone had said all this to me because I’m ruined. I’m broken and no matter what those cracks will never fix themselves.
“Live today, Live tomorrow. And if no one has said it – I love you! xx”
