A Childhood Marked by Trauma
Growing up I can remember as early back as 5 years old, I lived at home with my mum, never met my dad or even knew what he looked like. When I was 2 years old he hung me out of the upstairs window with a knife to my throat saying he was going to kill me.
“It took police and trained negotiators hours to persuade him to let me go.”
Obviously I don’t remember this happening but was reliably informed by family and neighbours. I lived with my mum who was a functioning alcoholic, she held down a job but the rest of the time she was drinking.
My memories are not really very good of my mum as although when sober she was loving, when she’d had even one drink I knew, it became an instinct of mine, she would make me go and get her alcohol and cigarettes from the shops with a cover letter signed by her so they’d serve me.
But most of the time they didn’t, and when I got home without them she would hit the roof, threatening me, throwing things at me, verbally and physically abusing me. This would happen more than a few times a week it became the norm for me. I used to have to watch her until she fell asleep because then I knew she was safe.
She tried taking her own life on multiple occasions, but luckily as a child of around 8 to 10 years old I was there to save her. At the age of 17, my brother who was 10 years older than me and like a father figure, was murdered on leave from the army. My whole world spun around me that day I was told.
“…murdered on leave from the army.”
My brother, my protector, my father figure, my best friend was taken away from me. I did think for a long time it was my fault as he’d asked me over that evening but I said I was going out with my friends. Perhaps if I’d gone he’d still be here now who knows.
This tipped my mum over the edge and she became worse with the drinking and saying she wished it was me that had been killed and not him. My young life was very very hard looking back. At the age of 57 my mum died of sorosis of the liver (alcoholism). I was 26 and now all I had left was my sister who was also 11 years older than me.
My mums passing was very traumatic but rightly or wrongly my brothers passing hit me harder.
Relationships, Heartbreak and Further Trauma
Then I met someone who I got married to and were together for 9 years, we had two children together, the relationship wasn’t good from the start, she verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused me throughout, very controlling and after we split up even used my children against me and stopped me seeing them at times which nearly broke me.
At that time I had a very short temper and was regularly in fights in bars and nightclubs, in fact my ex would flirt with other men so I’d fight. She said she liked seeing me fight. The relationship left big scars on top of the scars I already had from my younger life.
“…he died in my arms whilst looking at me desperately.”
From then on my relationships got worse, I was cheated on, lied to, threatened, harassed and just dumped whenever they felt like it. Then one evening whilst out in my car I witnessed a bad car accident, I was first on scene and it turned out to be one of my friends, I tried getting him out of the wreckage but he died in my arms whilst looking at me desperately.
This had a big impact on my mind body and soul on top of everything else that happened it was a traumatic event and just added to my traumas.
The Breakdown and the Struggle to Find Help
In 2017 when I was 38 years old, I randomly collapsed at home after feeling strange all day previous, I remember standing up in my house after eating dinner and I just dropped like someone had flicked a switch, lights out. I remember coming round fitting on the floor, luckily my landlady found me as I lived on my own at the time. I didn’t know my own name, where I was, who was around me or anything. I was taken into hospital and found to have had a breakdown.
The consultant said to expect to have panic attacks regularly from that day on and to seek medical help from my GP. I thought he was crazy!! When I got home I had my first ever panic attack, I can’t begin to explain how it felt, paralysis, dizziness, sweating, heart pounding, couldn’t breath properly, short term memory loss.
Now these happened every single day for over 8 months. The doctors referred me to steps to well being for counselling. I waited 2 and a half years before I started my treatment. But unfortunately it was during Covid so my counselling sessions were via telephone call for 8 sessions, I found this very impersonal and even the counsellor said, “we’ve only skimmed the surface of your traumas”, and was advised to re refer myself for PTSD counselling.
So I did, and a few months later I had my first session of PTSD counselling via text message, which again I didn’t feel comfortable with at all. 5 minutes into the first text session the therapist asked me how I felt that day, and I said it’s a partially bad day. She asked me to tell her why I was feeling that way, and I replied:
“I will have to stop this session here as you are too complex for us to be able to help you”
Her next message read, “I will have to stop this session here as you are too complex for us to be able to help you”. I was shocked that they just cut me off like that. It left me feeling like no one could help me. It’s a good job I didn’t feel suicidal because that could push anyone over the edge.
Finding My Own Path Through Mental Health
After that I went through a massive self help journey, still suffering from panic attacks and mental illness, I did things in desperation to help myself. I would get up every morning and look at myself in the mirror and say:
“You are safe, today is going to be a good day, I love you.”
Every single day I did this for over a year, also I researched mental health and found a guy on YouTube & TikTok, called Dr Joe Dispenza.
His videos really hit home with me and made me think and feel differently about what I was going through. Slowly I had a very good understanding of mental health and how it affects us physically, mentally, and emotionally. Although I had gained all this knowledge it just distracted me from my daily struggles and I was still suffering alone in a bad way.
Some days I didn’t want to see anyone, but felt alone. I didn’t want to be around anyone but craved company. I would regularly feel like I was going to pass out, felt physically ill. In 2022 I was diagnosed by the mental health team with severe CPTSD, severe anxiety disorder and Hypervigilance. I was signed off work instantly. I have worked as a mechanic all my life from the age of 17, 6 days a week.
To now being home alone suffering. This didn’t help me one bit. So I had to try keep busy. The doctors prescribed me many anti-depressants and beater blockers, but they all made me feel worse so I decided against medication and tried tackling mental health on my own head on.
In 2022 I was rushed into hospital with sepsis from a ruptured appendix. The surgeon said I was minutes from death, this was a big setback for me in my road to recovery. I forgot to mention just after my mum died I whent to see a psychic medium to see if my brother or mum would come through for me. That reading changed my life in many ways as the medium said I could do what he could do, mediumship!! To be honest when I was really young, I used to see spirits physically, and I still have vivid memories of those experiences.
“…minutes from death…”
My spirituality journey after that saw me doing private readings, public demonstrations of mediumship in halls and venues, and I became a Reiki master. I was becoming well known in my local area. I even ran my own development / meditation circle for over a year at Spiritualist Church. All this whilst still suffering. I realised I was a highly functioning mental health sufferer.
People would meet me and say what a happy and kind person I was, but they didn’t see or feel what it was like deep within my mind and body I just had to get up every morning and get on with life. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds, trust me.
Turning My Pain Into a Purpose
To this day I still haven’t received any more help from medical professionals. I have just been left to try and help myself through this traumatic life journey. I have recently been to college and passed up to Level 3 in Counselling Studies.
I want to help others who suffer similar to me, I want to be someone who truly shows empathy as someone who’s been there and is still is in that place of uncertainty physically, mentally and emotionally. I will be ok I have to be as I will help as many other people as I can through my struggles.
You can’t always see a disability, Mental health matters.
Thank you.