A Day I’ll Never Forget
The story I want to tell you happened 2 years ago. September 12th. I was living a very happy life with my husband James and my 2 beautiful girls.
I had gone shopping with my mum and my sister. And I’d forgot my phone. I wasn’t too bothered as I had to be back at 2.00 ish to pick my youngest up from school. Which I did, I’d text James to check in and see how his day was, he hadn’t replied.
“I just thought he was busy because he owned his own company with his partner, Darren.”
When I got back with my daughter, I had a call from his business partner to say he hopes James is ok and it can all be worked out.
This is James at on his 42nd birthday. We all went to a music festival. It absolutely poured down. But it was such a funny day!
Things I Didn’t Know
I had no idea what he was talking about, Darren then told me he had been embezzling money from the company and he had confronted James at lunch time. I just didn’t believe him, I started to call and text James. I was furious, then after hours of no contact, I was frantic with worry.
His location and phone were off. I was trying to hide my worry from my girls. I was driving round Bournemouth trying to find him not having a clue where to look, because this was so out of character for him.
“Then a location pinged in Swanage.”
I don’t know Swanage, but James used to work there when he was a student so I thought he had just gone there to get pissed and sum the courage to tell me he’d fucked up.
I put the location in my car, as the police said they couldn’t help me, and I drove over there. It took me ages to find his car, but when I did I just knew he’d done something daft. I called the police and they all came then with helicopters! I stayed with his car but I wanted to come at 2 in the morning to be with my kids.
The night and next day were just surreal.
It was so horrible and sad, I can’t even use words to describe it.
This is James at my dad’s 80th birthday. I love this pic. He looks so handsome! He absolutely loved Persol sunglasses!
The News That Changed Everything
His parents came from up north and everybody was getting ready to descend on Swanage to hunt for him.
“At 12.34 the next day, (13th September), his body was found. He had taken his life.”
He had never, in the 20 years we had been married, showed any signs of mental health. Until the day I die, I will never understand why he did it.
Facing Grief And An Uncertain Future
The aftermath is a bit of a blur.
My sister Denise, who had driven round with me looking for James, on the day & night he died, moved in and kind of took over. I didn’t have any idea about anything when it came to running the house and paying bills etc!
“I had been a stay at home mum looking after the girls and our home. I could throttle myself now when I look back at how naive I had been.”
Denise helped me sort my bills and tried to get out of paying all of Jim’s debts, which to be fair, most were wiped!
Jim had left a substantial amount of life assurance, I think that is why he did it, because he thought me and the girls would be ok. But obviously I can’t be sure, because there was no note.
“I also learned that Jim’s business partner was going to sue me and the tax people.”
My best friend Ed, who used to be a lawyer, came and spoke lawyer talk at all my solicitor appointments. That went on for a year and a half. I walked away with a good amount of money.
I was able to buy my home and start on a fresh slate. I’m still waiting to hear from the tax people but I am no longer as scared as I was.
So on top of the shock and grief, I didn’t know if I was going to lose my home and everything!
James and Jason at Bournemouth ice rink one Christmas! The kids were mortified! They look like lovers ❤️ Jason was one of his very good friends
Finding Out Who Was Really There For Us
I have a small group of friends who really rallied round and I found out who my true people were. And lost a lot of friends who I thought I’d know for the rest of my life. Grief made me able to see more clearly who I wanted in my life.
I tried to hide as much as I could from my girls, as Lola was just about to sit her GCSEs (she smashed them!) and Tilly who was 18 and had just left college and was about to start her first job!
“… Lola had grief counselling…”
We all became a lot closer and cried, laughed, made jokes and just really grieved. Christmas was sad, we spent it with Denise’s family who my girls adore, and we all just got through it.
Lola had grief counselling, which helped a bit, and Matilda didn’t want any. We are all changed. I can’t really put into words. It’s just so sad that Jim has missed loads of milestones already and I can’t think too much about when the girls get married or have children. It breaks me.
I swing between feeling so incredibly sad that Jim didn’t speak to me about him fu*king up, I wanted to punch him for what he did!
I just really miss him. We all do
Ali
This is James on his graduation day, looking like a little baby. He was a brilliant artist and architect!
