The Endless Spiral Of Self-Doubt
The endless spiral of self-hate and low worth. Feeling like you’re not enough. Feeling like no-one cares. Feeling lonely.
It’s a cliché that is often heard, but more often than not, lately, I can stand in a busy, crowded space, and feel alone. I can feel like nobody cares about me and that for all my efforts, I find myself wondering if I’ll ever get anywhere.
“I find myself wondering if I’ll ever get anywhere.”
After meeting up with Sam to share my story, I realised we’d both had similar experiences. Felt the same struggles. For me the worst of it has hit over the last 18 months.
Losing The Life I Knew
I recently had a relationship break down. My entire life of over a decade had changed – relationship gone, new living situation, new life. It was scary. And I felt alone. I’m a social creature. Loneliness is my biggest fear and I’m learning to live with the new ‘normal’.
I used to not go a single day without having people around me; social constructs, friendships, relationships, work. But now I spend a lot of my time alone. I used to try reaching out and seeing if people wanted to meet up – go for coffee, drinks, anything.
“… I’m just a background character in my own life.”
I always initiated, reached out and got hung out to dry. Ghosted. Cancelled on. Now I have come to learn that people have their own lives and are very busy, but it still hurts. To feel like my friendship mattered but now I’m just a background character in my own life.
I always would spiral down the negative thoughts that I don’t matter to anyone – that they make nothing but empty promises or don’t care enough to even reply – that my own self-worth was so low I have crumbled.
Grief, Family And Sacrifices
None of this is strengthened by the fact that I lost my parents at a young age. A traumatic life event that nobody should endure. I lost both of my parents within a short time frame at the age of 22 and proceeded to raise a teenage brother and venture into adulthood inexperienced and alone.
Meeting Sam for the first time since school
This is when I met my wife and her family, who nurtured and supported me massively. The loss of a relationship wasn’t just a partner, but the potential of a whole family.
“… I lost my parents at a young age.”
Work has been both a blessing and a curse. I spent a lot of my early career trying to build to something – putting in the hours and the work, grafting to build a life. To provide. Along the way I met some great people and made friends. But I also lost a social life. Missed out on social events. Sacrificed time with family.
All this time I thought I was building towards security and now I have lost it all: the home, the family, the friendships, the future. My career has not progressed as I had wished, so was it worth the effort? Or does that make me feel worse – that I’m not good enough in my job as well as in my personal life? Work have been supportive and adaptable and secure.
“… was it worth the effort?”
I have a social job which does relieve the loneliness and help with human connection, but I still come home to an empty house.
Finding My Way Through The Loneliness
Things are not as bad as they sound. I have struggled over the last 12 months+ with feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, low self-worth, low confidence, depression and more… but I have strong friendships. My social circle and my family are small, but they are strong.
“My social circle and my family are small, but they are strong.”
I have a job, a home, not all friendships have disappeared and I have found a new confidence in a future ahead of me. I still have low days, but they are fewer and not as bad as they used to be.
Learning That I Matter
Losing a home and a life I had built was hard. Having very few people to fall back onto for support was harder. Reaching out for help and to talk was the hardest thing I have done, but I do not regret it. I’m learning to live with a new normal – being alone and valuing what human connection I have.
“Reaching out for help and to talk was the hardest thing I have done, but I do not regret it.”
I do have some strong friendships and these are invaluable to me. Crossing new boundaries of learning how to be single and perhaps make new friendships. To value my own self-worth and discover that I am ok. I am learning that I am important in myself and to prioritise myself and those relationships that I value.
I do matter. I am valued. I am not alone.
