My Turbulent Mental Health Journey In The Education System: Story 84

Overcoming The Odds

I think I’ve experienced a very unique journey in the education system, one fraught with many challenges, setbacks and trajectory-tampering hurdles that lodged themselves in my path. I am aware many people face challenges when it comes to the UK’s curriculum, and I am even more certain that there are people who’ve felt let down and unsupported by it.

However, my experience has been one where I’ve felt held down and raised up by the same system, where I felt I needed to prove myself to everybody else that I am far more intellectually capable than they think I am.

“Yet the road ahead towards that sense of empowerment was always a huge struggle for me, and it took many years to craft my ascent.”

 

Growing Up Different

I was born with a condition called Hydrocephalus, which is casually referred to as “water on the brain” where the pressure from a build-up of cerebrospinal fluid expands the cranium, meaning that if left untreated it could be fatal. I developed Hydrocephalus as a result of being born two months prematurely.

Not only this, but I developed a hole in my heart which required open-heart surgery, and I endured multiple seizures in the incubator.

“All of this meant I suffered brain damage and developmental difficulties, some of which still linger on to this day despite the many many strides I’ve made since.”

When I reached school age I debuted in Year R as normal, but due to my disability and lack of sufficient progress, I was held back a year. It’s difficult to know how I felt and reacted at this early stage in my life, yet the heavy amount of support I received made me feel secure enough through my infant school life. 

When it came to changing schools though, there was always a huge adjustment for how I took to taking another step in my educational journey. At the start of Year 3, I was so upset about heading into a new school, that my mum walked me onto the playground and handed me off to my class teacher for the year.

At least in Juniors my mum guided me into this new environment, because at the start of my run in secondary school, there were no parents to comfort me. I entered the assembly hall, awaited my name to be called out to allocate me to my Year 7 tutor group, then all I could do was become emotionally distraught at facing a new environment as an emotional fragile soul surrounded by faculty aliens and same-age strangers.

“It took even longer for me to settle in, and I did indeed feel like a little 12 year-old stuck in a larger school with higher expectations and surrounded by giants.” 

Due to my vulnerability, I recall one day where it was break time, and I didn’t know where to leave my rucksack. A friend (though I assume he was manipulating me in hindsight) told me to leave it in the dining hall, so I decided to leave it in the dining hall. However, when I went to retrieve the rucky, it was nowhere to be found. I was sent upstairs to the management department, where a middle-aged female teacher told me off for leaving my bag unattended.

I assume she had no idea I was a new Year 7, because the way she spoke to me was like she was speaking to a Year 10 she knew well. As you might be able to tell, this experience made me very upset, but I persevered because that’s all I could do. 

 

The Struggles of School Life

When it comes to sets for Maths, English and Science, I was bottom set for Science and middle set for Maths and English. I was honestly quite surprised that I was in middle sets because I spent Juniors School in the lowest sets.

Expectations in middle sets are harsher than bottom sets of course, because it is assumed that you are capable of getting on with your work without additional support-though I was supported by learning support assistants, as I would be entitled to throughout my secondary school life.  

“I sucked at Maths, and I still think I suck at Maths as an adult.”

I sucked at Maths, and I still think I suck at Maths as an adult. I also believed that the Maths department was generally stricter than other departments at school. My maths teacher in Year 7 was firm but fair, and although I did struggle, I didn’t incur her wrath, though being a middle set I could definitely feel the heat.

English was better because the teacher I had was quite nice and reasonably laid back. I felt more confident in English, and I do recall the book I brought into Year 7 to read quietly with – The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time. 

However, even though I was placed in a couple of middle sets, I had to participate in these special extra English classes, which I think kind of insulted my intelligence. The only thing I vividly recall from these classes is doing a spelling test where I was meant to spell the word ferry, but I instead wrote fairy. I don’t think I was offended about taking this class, but I knew I didn’t need to be in there. 

I think it’s safe to say that most of us relished half term holidays. Well I really liked them because I could be myself instead of putting on a fragile teacher-afraid front at school. I could be me and I could stay up late and I can enjoy going round my friends’ houses and hang out with them.

When it came to the night before returning to school though, I’d get upset because my routine was about to shift and return to that narrowed and more vulnerable sense of self at school. This wasn’t because I disliked school because I enjoyed what I got out of it, but the school version of me was one who needed to behave because I didn’t want teachers telling me off because I’d cry and have trouble regulating my state of normalcy.

Alongside my mental health troubles going back to school, exams were very emotionally testing for me. The heightened expectations, wanting to do well clashed with the feeling I had to rush in order to finish. I did receive extra time and a scribe, but trying to think and answer with a time limit attached isn’t ideal in any situation.

“I’d get upset because my routine was about to shift and return to that narrowed and more vulnerable sense of self at school.”

Where in the world of work would we need to finish a project within a strict 2 hour time limit? I’d like to know of a profession which includes this kind of rush work. I do remember in college I needed to prepare for two different English exams which took place a couple of days apart.

I turned up to the first exam all revisioned up and raring to go. Unfortunately it turned out I prepared for the wrong exam, so I endured a panic attack and a huge nosebleed.

I do think I wasted my time with the panic attack and bloody nose though, as I could’ve crammed it in hours before it began because I was notified on social media in advance of the exam. Still, it was horrible because exams throw you into pressure that’s totally unnecessary, but young people believe they can only achieve the career they want if they do really well in them-which is false in many cases. Hard work will almost always trump exams.

I did get along with pretty much every teacher I had in secondary school. I think this was because I was treated fairly and I was well-behaved, so it all made sense. Sometimes I feel like I was treated as the favourite. I remember my Year 8 English teacher was always nice to me, but when it came to other children in the class he was less-forgiving. The same with my Year 8 IT teacher, he was usually strict, but he seemed very understanding towards me.

“I didn’t like IT as a subject, and in that class I was on my own and I’m not good with computers either-though for some reason many people think I am good with them.”

In secondary school, there was no class nor classroom environment that made me feel as up against expectations like my Year 10 middle set English class. My Year 10 English teacher was generally fine, but she would also be thorny at times for no worthwhile reason. In an odd way, I think that English class made me feel more “normal” than any other class I attended during secondary school or anywhere else for that matter.

I think it’s a class where I felt I needed to keep my head down and to contend with the fact I was treated like everybody else. It was the most uncomfortable class I was in, and to be very honest I delve into recurring dreams where I’m in the same classroom. I’ll admit it wasn’t easy on my mental being in there, feeling like I was up against it, but sometimes pressure can bring the best out of people. 

 

Finding My Way Through College

College was a strange new adventure for me. I chose to pursue Law, English Language and Film Studies in my AS year, but some people who supported me wanted me to join a special program called Pathway Plus, and much like those extra English classes in secondary school, I didn’t need them at all.

I declined to join Pathway Plus, and studied 75% of what I wanted to. What I didn’t want to study at all and was forced upon me was Functional Skills.

I’m sure many people passed Functional Skills with no problems at all, but to me it was the absolute worst. There I was in my AS year with a timetable that was familiar with most of what I wanted to study on it, then there was chuffing Functional Skills! I’m no good with computers (like I mentioned a few paragraphs back), and now I’ve got to bury some of the precious time in my life into learning about something I didn’t want to do and was primitive at doing.

“…the teacher was very supportive and made Functional Skills a little less hellish overall.”

I could’ve skipped Functional Skills out of protest, but I assume that would’ve caused problems, so I stuck with it despite my unwillingness. The teacher for my first year of doing it wasn’t very helpful nor understanding of my needs. No surprise then when I turned up for the exam in May and became so distraught that I walked out and failed the exam. 

The next year of Functional Skills was not very different, but this time I at least had a teacher who was very understanding, straight up lovely and supportive. Sure, I still failed the exam set for January on this go-around, but I couldn’t argue that I wasn’t supported heavily this time. 

Functional Skills just sucked for me. I understand this subject was designed to give college students some leverage as it awarded a handful of UCAS points, so we’d gain a better chance of securing the course at university we wanted to study, but it was a boring and unnecessary waste of my time. I tend to think the teachers reflect the subject, and if that was the case, then Functional Skills certainly justified it, even if my A2 Functional Skills teacher was delightful.

Oh, I didn’t walk out and completed the second attempt at the Functional Skills exam. I was a lot calmer this time, probably because the teacher was very supportive and made Functional Skills a little less hellish overall.

As for my main subjects, I really enjoyed Film Studies and got on well with English Language, but Law was tough and you needed to understand various intricacies and jargon in order to succeed. I was supported well by both of my Law teachers and the scribe who wrote down heaps of information for me.

I passed my first Law exam with a D, but failed my summer exam, after which I dropped out and took up history. History was a much better fit for me and the teacher was amazing and so passionate about the subject. Besides the problem with the exam I’ve already mentioned, History was brilliant and I returned for the second time in my third year, along with English Literature and Sociology. 

I loved Sociology and I feel as though I should’ve taken it up far sooner. I love sociological studies, the films we had to watch and discuss relating to the subject, and it really massaged my new interests relating to human behaviour. My interest in Sociology began when I watched Zeitgeist: Addendum in Film Studies, and that really helped me see the world under a different lens.

On the other hand, English Literature was difficult and I barely passed the summer exam. I wouldn’t say it was as troubling as my Year 10 English class, but I don’t think I was cut out for learning literature, but thought it would get me reading more so I took it. We studied plays like Henrik Ibsen’s A Doll’s House and Oscar Wilde’s A Woman of No Importance.

I think if my head was in the literature game I would’ve done well, but sitting and reading requires discipline I don’t have. I believe if I was an Audible subscriber in 2011/2012 I would’ve been able to do well, but alas just didn’t read and study like I was meant to.

“What these newer subjects I studied suggested about my mental health, is that I enjoyed the familiar, yet I was excited about learning something different as well-so long as it brushed my enthusiasm for writing.”

The day-to-day college life was strange to me at first because I was so used to the school routine of staying until 3pm and then going home. The fact is though, you can go home after your lessons and then come back when you were required. I found I had a couple of very significant breaks during my first year, such as waiting 4 hours between the end of English language in the morning and Law in the afternoon.

I was picked up and taken home during this time, and might’ve had the time to sleep as well. Sometimes on a long break I’d play the PSP or watch PSP UMDs in the toilet unbeknownst to anyone, which is very weird, but like in my early educational life, making friends wasn’t easy for me. I did speak to classmates, but didn’t hang around with them outside of sessions, so I did what I was compelled to do.

 

Discovering What I Was Meant to Do

The good news when college was all set and done, is that I never needed Functional Skills because I gained placement options for university. I met with lecturers for Magazine Journalism And Feature Writing, as well as Film. Ultimately I’d take up the former, and so I was excited to start the course for Magazine Journalism and Feature Writing, thinking I’d chosen the best course for myself.

“The reason I chose this course was because I loved collecting magazines and smelling the fresh print of them, and indeed I really loved writing- so I thought it was perfect for me.”

Reality started to hit me in the face when submerging myself into all the lectures and seminars surrounding the subject. There was much talk of glossy magazines and gossip magazines. You needed to go out in public and fetch news stories, and write news in a particular and professional way. It all became way too much for my Hydrocephalic brain to handle, and I became lost and miserable whilst studying it.

Thankfully it only took about two months after starting for me to drop out, take a year off, then come back to study something else. 

That something else was Film and English, and my goodness it was the best subject I could’ve chosen because the lecturers were a superb bunch, and I found myself right inside my comfort zone… Well there were no video games to play, but studying films like I had in college, along with studying literature was awesome. But wait James!

“Didn’t you say several paragraphs ago that you weren’t into literature and weren’t disciplined enough to read?”

Ok, you caught me out, but I think this course improved my enthusiasm for reading. I’ll admit I didn’t read a full book cover-to-cover during this intensive side of my Film and English course, but I definitely managed to produce some excellent grades, whilst analysing some exciting books. In regards to films, I watched as many as I could, and copiously bought Blu-ray films to heighten my enthusiasm much further.  

 

Proving Myself and Overcoming the Odds

Everything went really well with my studies, but I did get into situations which I wish I hadn’t during this period, and that really could’ve prevented me from earning my degree. So in the third year of university, I was working very hard on my dissertation. However, a huge problem in my personal life was arising and my mental health was in jeopardy.

I was really uncertain about what will happen and I almost packed it in and said sayonara to a degree. I found myself needing a Hail Mary (sorry for the American Football term) in order to finish my dissertation with one day to go until the deadline. I met with my dissertation lecturer to discuss everything and he encouraged me to go home and knuckle down like never before.

So thankfully I took his advice, decided not to quit, and I rallied hard to get myself over the minimum word count. The next day I handed in my dissertation, and then fast forward a few months and I discovered to my utter astonishment that I achieved a First-Class Degree; a perfect way to culminate my immense journey through the education system. I won and I proved everybody wrong and I’m very proud of this accomplishment.

“Anyway, that was an extensive memoir of my mental health through my educational journey. I think my story shows how perseverance and claiming what you desire can help you overcome mental health hurdles.”

I know it can be a very long and hard road through, with peril and hardship for you, and everybody you love, but we all harness the power to stay the course, and we will be rewarded for doing so – you just need to hang in there and surround yourself with people who love and support you.