DONTHIDE | REAL VOICES | NAMED | STORY #005


Jess and I spoke about her two pregnancies and the way they’ve changed the course of her life. We also touched on her relationships, mental health and where she currently is today.

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“When was your first experience of mental health?”

“The first time I suffered real loss was when I had a miscarriage at 19 years old – it made me realise that bad things could happen to me. I thought that nothing would ever happen to me because I was so young and healthy, but when I got pregnant with Jack (my eldest), which was only a couple of months after the miscarriage, I had anxiety for 9 months.

I thought having Jack would reduce my anxiety but unfortunately having something so precious in life makes the fear of loss greater.”

“What was the most difficult part of your pregnancy?”

“On top of the anxiety I was already suffering, I had hyperemesis – Which is basically sickness in pregnancy but a more extreme and persistent version – This put me in and out of hospital throughout the whole pregnancy and I ended up losing 4 stone.

In this journey, I thought I was going to be putting weight on, because I was eating for 2! Unfortunately, this didn’t happen and I ended up being skinnier than before I was pregnant.

I thought this was a one-time and unusual experience but sadly I also experienced this in my second pregnancy with Mollie.”

“What was giving birth like?”

“To be honest, I’m going to shock people here, because as painful as it was, it was very short. It lasted 3 hours from start to finish with Jack, and Mollie was very similar – I believe having an easier time giving birth on both occasions was my treat after having such horrendous pregnancies with the sickness etc.”

“What was it like having children at such a young age?”

“I think there’s pros and cons – The pros being you take it all in your stride – You’re a lot younger and have a lot more energy. I feel like my body recovered quicker than if I was to have a child now at the age of 37. Physically, there was a moment in the hospital where I’d just given birth, I stood up, and wanted a shower. The midwife said to me “Jess are you okay walking around this soon?” – I gave her a confused look as if to say “Yes, I’m absolutely fine” – I think my young mind didn’t realise what my body had been through.

Another pro for me is that I’m only 37 now, and the kids are 16 and 13 – I know that I’m going to be of young age when they eventually ‘flee the nest’. Saying that, I did miss out on the ‘party/clubbing’ scene because I was at home with two children. I do believe that’s why I don’t enjoy drinking now, because I skipped that part of my life.

Looking back, I feel I still had a lot of life experience ahead of me after I had Jack. I also feel that although my friends were incredible, they didn’t have children themselves, so I wasn’t able to commit to days out, girlie lunches or nights out as I had a child to look after at home. Although the children are my world, that did take a toll on me.”

“When you say toll, how bad did mental health get for you?”

“I developed ‘FOMO’ (Fear Of Missing Out) because I knew my friends were all out and having fun and living life as any 20-year old would do. I managed to make some of these nights out as I had a great family, but with the obvious commitment, I still missed out on a lot.”

“How did having children at such a young age affect your relationship with the their dad?”

“Meeting the kids’ dad at such a young age meant that I was still trying to grow up while navigating a relationship. As time went on, I was beginning to realise that we were growing up to be completely different people; our interests in life were completely different, our circles of friends were not aligned, and as our personalities matured, it was like being in a relationship with a stranger. Although we got on, for the children, it was apparent this relationship was not going to be forever.

It’s true what people say about staying together for the children, because you have such a big fear of breaking up a family unit. I knew we were not meant for each other, but I stayed many more years because I thought it was the best decision.”

“How does it make you feel, looking back in hindsight?”

“It’s a fine line between regret and ‘what could have been’. I try not to think like that because I can’t change the past, but I have learnt over time that my own happiness is more important than anything else and it makes me a better person for my children.

Although I wish I had of left sooner (the relationship), I may not be the person I am today if I did.”

“What happened next in your journey?”

“This moves on to when I met my next partner who I thought was the love of my life – unfortunately this journey was the biggest life lesson to date.

This is where I learnt that when I’m in a relationship, I love ‘hard’ and I fall ‘deep’. I put 110% effort into keeping the relationship alive.

When I realised how much I loved this person, it kick-started my anxiety back up from the fear of losing this person.”

“What effect did this new relationship have on your mental health?”

“Before I met my next partner, I had already created a massive fear which lived in the back of my mind – this was about losing a relationship – but before I knew it, I was with him – he was my everything.

I’d never felt love like it, and after feeling so lonely in my past relationship, I clung onto it, tightly.

He made me feel special, we laughed together constantly and we could talk for hours and hours about anything and everything.

We also created a friendship – and having this is a good foundation for a relationship because you tend to have an even deeper connection with the person.

Over the years, this strong feeling of love made me ignore negative situations happening in the relationship. This created massive trust issues.

Although we had an incredible 8 years together, with lots of good memories, and sadly some not so good, this came to an abrupt end when he suddenly finished the relationship. This led to a strong and hard life lesson. I wasn’t expecting things to end – it was a shock to my nervous system.”

“How did the sudden end of the relationship affect you?”

“To say I was broken is an understatement – in my head at the time I thought this is something I will never get over. I broke down daily for nearly 2 months – my friends and family had to pick me up, mentally and physically.

I tried to hold back the tears when I was around my children, but unfortunately this was not always doable – and it still hurts me to this day that they saw me in that situation, but thankfully they did not see it all.

In the 2 months following this I had one particular bad day where everything seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks; I call this my rock bottom day – This is the worst I have ever felt.

I had some intrusive thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore – I cut off contact with all my friends and family for a only few hours – but even this was enough to worry them sick – I just didn’t know what to do.

I didn’t contemplate taking my life, this was more about the feeling of “what’s the point?!”

It’s true what they say about when you hit rock bottom – “the only way is up” – This is where my life started to turn around for the better.

Without my friends and family, physically and mentally picking me up, I don’t know where I would be without them.”

“What helped you start turning things around?”

“I joined the gym, I took to running and walking and really started to work on myself which is something over the years I have not made a priority. Putting all my emotions and efforts into other people and never myself is something which I have always done. It was my turn.

When you forget about yourself, and let yourself go, you become deflated and self-conscious. You become mentally drained. This causes low-self esteem and low mood. So after taking steps to work on myself, it’s made me feel more alive than ever and for the first time I am giving myself the love I deserve.

The lessons I’ve learnt along the way are never to put all your eggs in one basket, it’s okay to make yourself a priority and family and friends are everything.

You can make yourself happy, you don’t need to rely on someone else to do that for you. For me, that’s the most important lesson.

Remember to always prioritise yourself and create your own happiness.”